Recalling Experience
by Jeffrey Synn
Summary: An introspective from Tifa's POV on the events of FF7.


> **Recalling Experience**   
by Jeffrey Synn   
gaiaswill@hotmail.com 
> 
> * * *
> 
> After the elation of victory has passed our minds, we always remember the ones who died to contribute to the success. That's just our way of showing respect for those that have returned to the Planet. To let the departed know that their selfless deeds and sacrifice have not been forgotten. It's normal. It's natural. And there's nothing wrong with it. 
> 
> And when the mourning is done, the focus is then on the living. 
> 
> I have survived. I admit that it was not easy; far from it. And through my travels, I have seen magnificent places beyond the boundaries of my imagination, extraordinary powers that I still find difficult, if not impossible, to comprehend, and I have seen pain. I have seen blood, I have seen death, and I have seen heartache. 
> 
> After all, isn't lost innocence part of the price you pay in war? 
> 
> However, I feel that I have lost more than just innocence. It's sometimes a little difficult to understand, but I still try. 
> 
> Him. That's what I have lost. Not that he died or anything; he is very much alive, though death did try more than once to claim him. That's not it. He's a survivor too. He is still here, and I thank the stars every day that he chooses to remain at my side, and that fate allows it. I enjoy his company, and I sense that he enjoys mine as well. 
> 
> So what exactly have I lost? 
> 
> That cursed four letter L-word. Such an important thing... everyone I have come in contact with desires and searches for it, each in their own way, though they may deny that they are looking for it. But I know better than to believe them. An incredible treasure, it is. We cling to it, even as it threatens to eat us alive. 
> 
> I am not any different in the fact that I search. Sure, I sometimes shrug off the issue to prevent myself from showing weakness, but really, I am not any different. Neither is he. One only has to look through his sometimes cold exterior to see that. I care for him, and I find comfort beyond measure in the fact that he cares for me just the same. 
> 
> Well, almost just the same. 
> 
> When I really think about it, we really have a lot in common. For us both, the opportunity fell into our laps and we pointedly ignored it. Sure, we wanted to embrace the thing as it was presented to us on a silver platter, but we held back. And for what? Pride? Doubt? Or just ignorance to what was there? Such reasons seem so... stupid, considering that they were, in fact, the things that kept us from our joy. And now, it's too late. For both of us, I fear. 
> 
> It's tragic really, almost pathetic. 
> 
> For me, I had lived about ten years of my life with him. He was always watching my back, and I didn't even know it. A few times, he even got punished for it. More than a few times, in fact. He almost lost his life to protect me. Several times. 
> 
> I never even realized how attached I was to that face, that was full of concern for me, until I could no longer see it. He left our little town. I knew that everyone would, eventually, but I never imagined... damn, absence does make the heart grow fonder. I later found out, the reason he left was to impress me; he felt that he had to make something of himself, be stronger, to be noticed. 
> 
> Flattering, to say the least. The very least. 
> 
> With him, it was different. He didn't know her for very long, but sometimes, time isn't necessary. I don't encourage anyone rushing into a relationship, but... sometimes you just know. Even though the fact works against me, I believe it. "Love at first sight" would be oversimplifying what I mean, so don't think that I am referring to it. 
> 
> I could see the affection he held for her in his eyes. Though it was weak and almost nonexistent at first, it was as bright as day when she was taken from us. I hold no vendetta against them for hurting me, but that doesn't alleviate the pain. 
> 
> Damn them both! I cannot hate them; they are still my friends, but I cannot find it within myself to just leave them alone. And I'd like to, believe me. Sometimes, love is knowing when to let go. 
> 
> It still doesn't make it any easier. 
> 
> It's not fair. So many things in life are not fair. My companions know, him included. Everyone has experienced a time where they are rendered so helpless against the conditions they are set in, that they want to lash out blindly at everything. That's what I feel like doing now. 
> 
> But experience has taught me better than that. And I hate myself for knowing better. Like I said, life's not fair. 
> 
> Ah, the tragic love triangle. It's just something that one would expect to see in a script or a story when, in fact, it can actually happen. And when it does... well. 
> 
> The thing is, people do heal, they do recover. Though she is... no longer in the running, which would be a crude way to word it, her hold on his heart is still as strong as when she left. He will heal. And I will still be here. But will he turn to me for me? I don't want him to be with me because I'm... runner-up. But don't take my wording against me; it's just the easiest way to see things. He probably thinks of me only as a sister now, anyway. 
> 
> I should be happy. After all we've been through, we are both still here. One would think that would be enough for anyone. We are friends. That will not change. But still, I wonder if we will ever be more than that.... 
> 
> So much has happened, and in such a short time. Time goes too fast for my liking. I imagine that my friends are thinking that too. Where has the time gone? It seemed as if it was only yesterday that I was with him, the night before he was leaving our town. 
> 
> But... life goes on, cruel as it is and as cold as it sounds. I have to leave the past behind. Look to the future. Be optimistic facing forward. 
> 
> Life goes on... and I've already been through so much. 


End file.
